Natalie

I do apologize for the lack of writings. I am glad that you journal because I do not get to write down everything that happens betwixt us, though it’d be very good if we had it from both your perspective and mine to reflect back on when the dating book is being written.

Know that my thoughts are often with you (especially when I am at work all night and have nothing to do but think).

Thankful for knowing you,

me

Aggrevation

All of my life my father has been my authority, and the majority of the time, I was submitted to him, his leadership, his ideals, his views, etc. Now I am finding a larger and larger gap between what he sees as being possible and what I see as being possible in the area of spiritual perfection. The problem is that this topic affects how I view everything else, how I prioritize my goals, and what my goals are. He believes my ideals to be too lofty, and my vigor a thing of youthfulness. He has a different view of what my destiny is than I have – he’s completely missing the main objective of my being in existence.

All of this aggrevates me, but what is very sad for me is that he is in complete disagreement with me about Natalie. I told him that I was planning on courting Natalie, and had already taken steps in that direction. He says that I should not marry somebody who comes from a broken home, and also that she does not have the same destiny or anointing as I do. I asked him what her destiny was, and he did not know. I REALLY want him to be able to say, “Natalie is indeed God’s will for you, and I give you my blessing.” I do not wish to be at odds with my father. To say, though, that he is correct would be to say that most of these other things I believe are incorrect.

I love Natalie, and am grateful to You for being in the middle of all this, and for smiling at our relationship. Please give me wisdom and courage beyond my experience, years, and natural ability, in order that I may know what to say to my dad and when to say it. One thing I want the most is to be able to defend Natalie and still remain humble and God-honoring in my conversations with my dad. Please give me this strength and ability.

So be it.

I love you.

Yesterday, September 20, I said I love you to Natalie for the first time…. after I hung up the phone. I have not said it directly to her, and I don’t think I will for a while, probably later than sooner. I want to say that in person the first time, and it’s premature to introduce that into the relationship at this point anyway.

What I am writing about is the fact that I said it at all. I have thought it numerous times, but I usually tell myself I don’t really know what love is, and that’s very true. It’s something I learn more of daily, and that’s how it’s going to be for a long time. It’s a very weak love when compared to the reality of the God who defines love. I want to offer His love to her, not mine, because mine is utterly worthless, because the humanity in me is worthless. I am worth God’s life, though.

So I finally voiced this because it is all I can say to describe the way I see her, and I am tired of suppressing it. Doing so seems stupid. Suppressing it in our relationship for now is wise. She said yesterday that steps with God are always so small. I believe she’s correct, largely. Sometimes, though, you take leaps of faith, but that’s not here yet. So it’s going to be interesting how this whole thing plays out. I see where we were one month ago, two months ago, back to June, and wonder what our relationship will look like in five years. Insane. That’s why, though, we will spend time cut off from each other, I believe, in order that we may grow more on our own. Relationships are never more mature than the people in the relationship. “A team is only as strong as its weakest member.” That kind of philosophy. I really like going slow. Refraining from simple things like holding hands will make it all the more valuable and meaningful when we actually get there. She said something else I agree with: God does not mind pulling us along nearly as much as He does pulling us back. That is what I think, anyway.

I am darn hard on myself. I do not really understand where I am in this journey towards manhood, which I define as being completely surrendered to God, incessently growing, never being satisfied by anything else, and then seeing all these desires and disciplines mature you into something others are not. I cry sometimes, more often than I would have thought I would, about not loving Him enough, but then there are other times, i.e. during worship services and when alone with Him, when I am reflecting on who I am, where I was, where I am going, what I think about and dwell on regularly, and I see that He is molding me into something I could never be achieving if it were in my own strength, but I never feel good enough, or like I have reached the place I need to, and I get impatient, and sad that I can’t be this perfect bride for Him right now. Fortunately for me, He is much more patient than I, and I will therefore grow in it because I will grow in Him. I feel like my passion is not strong enough, and though it is true that it could always be stronger, it is also true that I am dwelling on Him and His mysteries constantly, singing to Him all day, always judging my actions based on His standards. I am a lot more surrendered and passionate than I often feel. That does not mean I can rest, but I need to tell myself this lest I wallow in despair and become a lot less useful to Him. Death is always something I am striving for, and I thank YOU for that. Here’s how I see it – my good desires are Your desires, and those desires that are less than desirable to Him are from my human depravity, and my Adversary’s attempts to derail my connection with Him. Satan loses so much that you would think he would have given up by now. Honestly, I know with absolute assurance that God has given me more grace over these last few months than ever in my life. I can feel it daily. I walk in it constantly, and am conscious of the fact. I appreciate this so much. Of course it is true that strain produces strength, but right now I have a few big things to focus on, and I can’t be getting wore down by satan’s numerous attempts at my derailment. I feel spiritual protection. Hebrews 1:14.

Thank You for Your charis, and for Your Charis,

Bondslave

The Busboy, Ch. 3

My bike exploded. More specifically, my inner tube exploded. After fixing the flat that I previously wrote about, I rode my bike for about one minute and parked it by my dorm. Later that day I came out to go to a class, and found a delightful surprise. Green goo. See, the inner tube I had bought has slime inside of it to cover small holes, thereby keeping air in the tube. Well, if the tube explodes, so, apparently, does the slime. Who would have thought? I left my bike like that for a few days. I was avoiding/ignoring it. That’s what I do. It’s a coping mechanism. A bad one. I need to work on that.

Today I finally went out and fixed it, because I have to go to work tonight. Last night my roommate took me and picked me up from work. I gave him five dollars so I wouldn’t feel like a moocher. I sure hope I fixed the bike properly. The rim feels a little wobbly. That’s alright. Walking’s healthy, too. I just hope that if the tire explodes while I’m riding tonight, I don’t hurt myself too bad. That’d suck.

The story continues…

I don’t see this as being a season that will last a very long time, simply because I have a lot of book learning to do, and this work stuff takes a lot of time away from that. I got it into my head the other day to get two minors. I am doing a double-major in Church Music and Practical Theology. Practical Theology requires a minor, and I’m going to get that in Greek, but I now also wish to minor in writing. We’ll see what happens. I’m meeting with an academic advisor this week to map out my college course, determine which classes to take when. If I have time without stretching myself too much, I’ll probably do this double-major, double-minor thing.

I talked with Natalie today, who is probably the only one who will be reading this, and quite enjoyed our conversation. For me, talking with this young lady is better than getting a massage. Actually, it’s better than what I imagine getting a massage feels like, considering I have never had a massage before. After I hang up the phone, I can just sit back and, I guess I could say rest. Peace. That’s what I feel. Except it’s not just a feeling. It’s a reality, and there is a big big growth from feelings to reality, if that makes sense. It does to me – yippee!

I’m done now.

The Busboy, Ch. 2

Further experience in bussing at a restaurant has given me the opportunity to take part in an activity most people would not like. I went to work Thursday night sick. I have a cold, so I keep coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose like crazy. I got there half an hour late because they scheduled me for five and I have already informed them I cannot be there until six on Thursdays because I have a class. Seeing that I go to work to pay for school, I am not going to miss school in order that I might go to work. Anyhow, while I was at work, somebody apparently had a little too much to drink, so they went into the bathroom and threw up all over the toilet. At least they made it to the bathroom. That’s a good thing. It was fun. Good times.

Classes are interesting. I am realizing how many classes I actually signed up for. Quite a few. My roommate said he knows a lot of people in classes with me. I did something fun at the beginning of my sociology class. The teacher asked for a religion major to come and read a verse from the Bible, so I went up there and read John 11:35. After waiting for a few seconds, I proceeded to read 1 John 3:6 -  “Everyone who abides in Him does not sin. Everyone who sins has not seen Him nor known Him.”  Simple verses like that really ought to shake the foundations of the Church.

Natalie and I are on hold, as it were. I call her Natalie intentionally.

I have quite a bit of growing to do…

This post may seem to be lacking essence. It’s in me, but there’s only one who needs to hear it, and I’m not talking to her right now.

Philip

Purpose in Distance

Natalie needs time away from me for a couple of reasons. She eagerly desires to grow in Christ, to experience death to the hardest degree, and to become the woman of God she was created to be. She told me that she moves faster when she can focus more clearly, and if she is spending time with me, she’s not spending it with Him, and He is priority. This is why she is beautiful. I believe that nobody really wants to be the center of a relationship, because they understand how uninteresting, shall I say?, they can be. If they are the focus of the relationship, the relationship can never grow beyond the depth of that person. It’s not healthy that I should rely on her in any way, or her me. If your intimacy with your life-partner exceeds that of your intimacy with the Creator of intimacy, you have a problem. Anyway, basically for her, she wants to die, and she says that it’s hard for her to do that when I’m always telling her things that make her smile. For her, it minimalizes the pain of death, and she does not believe this to be a good thing for her right now. One thing I must always be on top of is discernment in the relationship. Being the leader, I need to anticipate, realize, and hopefully understand her needs before she even knows she has a specific need. I have to have a prophetic anointing to lead in marriage. Ironic, simply because, um, 2% of men may truly operate in this area regularly.

One more reason she wants distance is to see if the relationship maintains itself even when we are seperated – basically, if I am still devoted to her, even though I do not see her, talk to her, etc. She always said that she wanted to experience a relationship like this, and then be seperated to see if it holds over the spans of space and time. I didn’t think I needed that, either, but I realized today that I do. While she is mature, she is still young. Phrases like ‘It’s a woman’s perogative to change her mind,’ and ‘Girls are fickle’ got me thinking. She said she cares about me, and I believe this, but is it because of the things I tell her, the way I look at her, and the emotional high, or is it because she can see herself falling in love with my spirit? Because all those things I do, they are outpourings of the feelings contained in my spirit. If it’s the actions that she cares about, and not the spirit, then strength this relationship will not have in the long run, though it could be fun for a few years. I do not believe the actions to be what she cares about, but the spirit. Time, though, is indeed the best test. If I’m to marry somebody, I am first and foremost, putting trust in God to see it all to completion and perfection, but I am also trusting her to not hurt me, to not start enjoying some other guys stares too much, because I can tell you right now, she will get plenty of attention all through her life. I need to know she is devoted.

One very important reason I am distancing myself from her for a season, the reason that I made this decision in the first place, is because we have gotten to a place where I, first of all, need to decide what my level of devotion to her is at this point. I do not wish to move too quickly, or too slowly, but have God’s perfect timing, and as I see it, I’m not ready to get married for at least five more years. We got to a point in a relationship few others reach in so quick a time, simply because we ourselves are already so founded in You, and we were real with each other from the beginning. When she marries me, she is not going to learn all these bad things about me, because I’m already real with her right now. I didn’t try presenting my best side and hiding the worst. I presented my best side, but let her know about my worst, at the same time.

If I am to enter into courtship with this girl, this beautiful thing that is closer to being a woman than most ‘women’ I know, I need to ensure that I myself am stable, founded solely in His love, growing constantly at a speed and to a degree that is unfathomable to the typical churchgoer. Also, I have to learn how to lead her through romance without being beguiled by the trappings the devil has placed in romance as it is now. Our romance will be the most amazing story… I never want her to regret a single thing about the way our relationship started, but rather, when asked about it by her granddaughters, to see a twinkle come into her eye as she pulls the little girl up to her lap and begins to tell of the most amazing fairytale ever heard. I want to be 120, and still get butterflies in my stomach when her hand touches mine. That would be beautiful, and that is why I have no problem letting go of her now. I very much appreciate that God gave me something beautiful to see and desire and come into relationship with, and then require that I let it go for a season. I want Him to know nothing can take His place, and I want to make sure that it’s true. Sacrifice is wonderful. Consecration is magnificent, and it makes the end result ten times better.

God, I want to float when I tell my wife I love her.

Michael

September 5th

I told Charis tonight that I did not know when I would call her back. I have gotten to a place with her that I have never been before, and seeing as how I’m the guy, soon to be a man, I need to be able to lead her through this crazy wonderful experience called romance. I do not desire that she should ever regret anything she did with me, and this will be one of the most amazing times of our lives. I need to ensure I’m growing closer to God than ever, and that my romance with Him is not lost in my affection for her. My affection and love for Charis must always be an outpouring of my love for Him.

I have a lot to learn, a LOT of growing to do in order to be able to treat the King’s daughter with proper care and utmost respect and reverence. I have not ever been here, but if my life is for His glory, I know He will help and guide me in purposefully moving towards marriage with Charis. I want to make this fairytale better than she ever allowed herself to dream it could be, and with the most romantic Lover assisting me in this process, it should be little trouble.

Satan, it’s kind of sad for you. We’re already practically off limits to you simply because of our dedication to God, but I remain EVER watchful. You do not get even the slightest opportunity for a foothold in this. I dedicate everything I do to His perfect plan. I shut the gates to your schemes and methods. There is no false sense of security here. I know you to be a viable enemy, which is why I am making His secret place my dwelling place, because there I am under the shadow of the Almighty.

God, protect her while all these moves come about. Never let her heart give way to anything but Your promptings. Keep her, and please give her a burning desire to intercede on our behalf.

Guide me in all Your ways, keep me straight, and bless Yourself through us.

Prov. 3:5-6

Michael

September 4th

I decided today I will marry Charis. Must I list all the amazing details that make this relationship a match made by the most romantic Lover ever?

She looks so happy! I hope to be able to bring this smile to her daily for about 100 years.

Who is like God?

My death to You is unwarranted and inexcusable by human standards. Your Love for me is undeserved and unjustifiable in my present condition. I will live to love you. I myself will never EVER deserve anything You richly lavish on me. What I can do for You, though, is empty my spirit of myself, killing the depraved humanity I was born bearing, giving way to the Truely Deserving Lover of my soul.

I see You EVERYWHERE. You don’t leave. I see You in the sunset, I see You in hurting people, I see You in my friend so sweetly, I see You in people’s desires. You cry when we cry, whether we’ve dedicated ourselves to You or not. You LOVE us no matter who we are, where we are, or what we are doing, even though we’re often spitting in Your face. I cannot understand not only why, but how You could love us when we aren’t Your reflection. Teach me. You care. Why do you wish to inhabit me? Why does it mean so much to You when I wake up and say good morning to YOU? Why do You want to hold me when I cry and why are You the happiest being in the galaxy when something good happens to me?? People so totally misunderstand how good You are. You are cheering us on. You are ON OUR SIDE. You exhibit so much wisdom and self-restraint by not simply pushing us into perfection in You. You aren’t up there counting our sins. You can’t wink at them, but You want desperately to help us out of them, so You can play with us in the park, and whisper to us while we’re sleeping. You want us to fall asleep whispering sweet nothings to You. I watched Good Burger, and Ed is one of my favorite characters of any movie ever. I think he is a very strong reflection of Your childlike desire to be our Friend. It excites You and makes You HAPPY that we would call You buddy.
I wish to be just like You. Please help me. I love You. I feel like saying that. I want to love You more… infinitely more. I can only like You for so long, but it eventually has to mature into something so much stronger than ‘like’. I think it’s funny. God is love. God = love. I want to You You more. You define Love. Apart from You, Love doesn’t exist. It is an extension of You, and an undeserved blessing to us, Your creation.

I understand stepping into and walking in perfection is a process which takes time, and I can be patient. I ask only one thing, though, that You push me as hard as You deem wise, that I may be as much use to You as possible. I say that, but what I want more than to be as much use to You as possible, is to be as close to You as possible, to be able to touch Your heart with a look, excite You with a word, embrace You with my entire being, or lay at Your feet weeping simply because of how majestic and deserving You are.

God, You are beyond words.

Michael

The Busboy

Okay, so last night I found myself in a dumpster. Not the most appealing of prospects when you think about it. I went dumpster-diving. I actually loved it. I almost wish that I were in a position where I had to go through dumpsters to find food. I cannot stop smiling as of late. Everything excites me. I am doing things in order and that’s something I’m not used to. My past school experiences were not the best when it came to turning my homework in, and other small details like that. I am loving this. For my music theory class, I wrote definitions of words and theories down on 3×5 note cards. How weird is that? I did more assignments than I had to do. I am having the greatest time, because I have to prove to myself, and everyone else, I suppose, that basically I am not a failure when it comes to school, and I can be the best there is. Because quite honestly I can. I was reading the newspaper today and national SAT averages were between 1000-1100. If that is the best a person can do, and they honestly worked for that, that is GREAT! Nothing wrong with that at all, but nationally speaking, the results should be higher. I am going off on the strangest tangents.

Back to my dumpster-diving experience. Okay, first of all, all day I was faced with the fact that I was going to have to walk to and from work because my bike has a flat tire again. It’s really the same problem as last time, but last time all I did was put air in it and kept riding. I guess it serves me right. I wanted to see, though, if there was a hole in it, or if somebody had let air out of it intentionally, because the part of town where this restaurant is apparently does not have the best reputation, or history. Anyway, I found out.

Somebody was able to drive me to work, because they happened to have to be in exactly the same area at exactly the same time. That was good. At the end of the night, I asked the security guard at work if he was going my way, and he said no, but that if I needed a ride he would give me one because he didn’t want anybody walking out there at night alone. That was good for me.
Anyway, I’m done typing, because this is pretty shallow and stupid.

Jesus loves everybody, and I know why He loves some people, but as for the rest of you, it just gives me a headache thinking about it.